I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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