remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
