Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want her autograph on my taint
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
