after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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