What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm getting married
To pizza
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
