No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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