let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
