We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
