I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
