I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
