Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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