Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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