Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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