If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
