the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
