I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
