If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
