Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
