my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
