Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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