he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
