This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
