I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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