I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
