My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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