Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
