dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
