we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
