I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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