I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
