my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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