I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
