highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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