You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
