You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
