are you still at the devil's house?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
