we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
