Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
