Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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