'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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