two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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