AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
