Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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