I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh god it's open bar.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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