I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
