wrigley field is MILF paradise
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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