I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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