He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
