i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
vagina is talking i cant
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
