I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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